“My Christian wife left me and justified it by saying ‘We never had a marriage’”

I chose that title for this blog because I searched the internet repeatedly trying to find something that addressed this issue directly, and could not find anything (which surprised me, considering how wide the net is). So now there is something that does, in case anyone else wonders about this issue. (I did find this good article, however, which indirectly addresses it: https://www.gotquestions.org/unhappy-marriage.html.)

I’ve thought about this issue a lot because of someone I know who went through this, and I think there are others as well, because when I mentioned it to my pastor, he said that he’s heard this before. So I’ll share the details of the situation that I know about, and what I think the Bible says about it, and hopefully it can be helpful in some way to others (particularly spouses who might be considering divorce based on this kind of thinking).

A Christian couple had been married for many years and had many children together, but when the wife left and was asked about the reason (and biblical justification) for her choice, she said repeatedly, “We never had a marriage.” She had many other complaints, of course, but that was a big one, presumably because it made her decision to leave morally acceptable. If someone has never really been married, then he or she is not really ending a marriage, which God says should only happen in extreme circumstances (Jer. 3:6-10, Matt. 19:3-10, 1 Cor. 7:10-15).

Here is an actual text dialogue, shortly after the wife left, between the husband and a “pastor friend” who had been counseling her…

Pastor Friend: I’m convinced that any type of marriage counseling would not have worked … because from all angles you didn’t have a marriage.

Husband: There are two things you said that need to be addressed. The first is this idea that "we didn't have a marriage," which [my wife] says over and over again (maybe she got it from you and/or [your wife]?). I'm having difficulty thinking of polite words to use to describe this idea, but I'll just pick one that you used previously... unbiblical. We can say whatever about our marriage, that it was troubled, weak, bad, regretful, etc., but it's simply not true that we didn't have a marriage. We took vows before God and the church, we consummated physically (to the tune of [many] kids), we were legally married, and everyone in the society recognized and related to us as married. So "from all angles" (to use your truly mystifying verbiage), we’ve had a marriage according to God's Word. From what you said about that and what you said about counseling right before that, I'm now wondering if you and/or [your wife] are a big reason why [my wife] refuses to do any counseling with me, even with a counselor of her choice, which I've offered to do repeatedly.

Pastor Friend: We will have to agree to disagree. While all the “trappings” of a marriage are present … it doesn’t mean you have a marriage. Not all Israel is Israel. Not all believers are believers. Not all marriages are marriages….

Husband [the next day]: I woke up in the middle of the night and realized something important and ironic about our conversation that I feel compelled to share. You guys are telling me that I need to repent when I already have repented of my sins, asked [my wife] for forgiveness, and shown the fruit of repentance by being willing to go to counseling to work on myself and the marriage (which is all I can do at this point). But you (and your wives) are actually in need of repentance, because you are approving of and supporting my wife divorcing me when she has no biblical grounds to do so, which is displeasing to the Lord and harmful to her, our children, and many others. The idea that we "don't have a marriage," in particular, which you have either encouraged or not corrected, is especially damaging because it allows her to think what she's doing is okay with God. That's probably why she keeps saying it over and over again, because if we don't have a marriage then she's not ending a marriage and doing something that God hates. (Please share this with your wives.)

I won’t write as much as I could about what the “pastor friend” said, because I don’t want to kill a gnat with a sledgehammer (something I’ve done too many times). But if we assume that the Bible is God’s sufficient Word to us, it should be fairly obvious from the following examples that He views a marriage as a real marriage when public vows of marital commitment have been made and sexual consummation has occurred (plus a governmental and legal record is helpful—though not necessary—in confirming the legitimacy of the marriage).

Also, the ex-husband in that situation disagrees with his ex-wife about the quality of their marriage (he thinks it was difficult, of course, but also that there were many things to be thankful for). But let’s assume for the sake of discussion that it was a very bad marriage…

Genesis 2:24 (quoted in Ephesians 5) doesn’t say a couple is married only if it’s a good marriage—it simply says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” When a couple makes a public commitment to create a new family and they consummate that relationship, they are married in God’s eyes and are referred to by Him as husband and wife (Gen. 2:25 et al).

The Bible contains many stories of very bad marriages, and they all are treated as real marriages. Take Jacob and Leah, for example… Jacob did not even intend to marry Leah (he thought he was working for and marrying Rachel but was tricked by their father Laban), and their marriage was very rocky, to say the least. Yet Leah is clearly said to be Jacob’s wife throughout his entire life until the end of it. And even Rachel, who he married seven years later, is referred to as his wife from then on. I’m not saying this to legitimize or promote polygamy, but the point is that even a marriage that does not follow God’s design from the beginning is still considered a marriage in God’s eyes. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4 proves the point also, because it treats an illegitimate second marriage as a real marriage.)

Ephesians 5 says Christ is married to us (the church)…. Is the church a good spouse? It could rightly be said that Jesus has a very bad marriage in the sense of how we treat Him, yet He is really married to us and stays married to us through thick and thin (mostly thin!).

1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” The context indicates that this passage applies to extremely bad marriages—“likewise” connects it to the discussion of abusive slave masters in the preceding verses and verse 6 twice mentions a potential “fear” that wives might experience. My point here is not to say wives should stay in an abusive relationship, but simply to say that even relationships like that are treated as real marriages in the Scriptures.

Even when people are in the worst marital situation imaginable, they are still married according to the Bible. So this must also be true of merely “unhappy” marriages. If couples get divorced, even for unbiblical reasons, then they are really and truly divorced (also proven by the wording in Deut. 24, as well as 1 Cor. 7:10-11). But until one partner leaves with no intention of returning, the couple is married in God’s eyes and responsible to keep their vows and try to make it work, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health,…” etc.

The argument that “not all marriages are marriages” because “not all Israel is Israel” and “not all believers are believers” falls apart very quickly when we realize that God’s Word says “not all Israel is Israel” (Rom. 9:6) and not all believers are believers (John 2:23-24). So of course those statements are true. But the Bible never says “not all marriages are marriages,” nor does it even hint at that idea, from what I’ve seen. On the contrary, the Bible seems to assume all marriages are legitimate until they end in divorce, which the Bible views as legitimate as well (even though it might be morally wrong in many cases).

The idea that a married couple may have “never been really married” also makes all the biblical passages about marriage, divorce, and remarriage utterly nonsensical, because we would never know if they are talking about someone who is “really married” or someone who is not. And it creates a practical nightmare, because anyone could say at any time, “We were never really married,” and justify anything they want to do.

Advisors who promote this false idea might have good intentions in doing so, but it clearly seems to be to be form of false teaching, especially because its “fruit” is that Christian people are ending their God-given marriages by citing the excuse that “we never had a marriage.” So I agree with the statement above that repentance is needed for those who give that kind of counsel, as well as those who follow it.